My Burning Heat

In the midst of a blazing summer after I was in a country for a boring celebration that didn’t even feel like a celebration. Fake smiling people, old cultures exposing themselves naked and senseless meaningless music shouting through poor quality speakers. I’ve had enough. Kissing my fathers hand and placing it on my forehead showing him that I am grateful for his very existence, looking him straight in the eye I knew he was sad. The pain of leaving and not knowing the future, the nowhere to be found realization that an absent loved one is living the same moment.

I opened the door of an aged rusty Korean made taxi, sat down and gust of dust flew up in the ceiling covered sky. An old tired faced man sat next to me and asked “3ala wain ya m3alim?” still staring at my father standing at the door steps I didn’t even hear what the old man said. He asked again and woke me up from my depiction I told him “na8l il jama3i lw sama7t” just saying that I knew I was about to endure a long process of disorganization, confusion and degradation. Drove through a maze of mature and baby like buildings till I finally got to a small office placed in the middle of a parking lot. Walked in to see people with faces that only spoke of hardships most likely caused by money, hence them traveling by bus and not plane. Which puts me totally in place not in terms of availability of money but in terms of feeling part of these people. And the need to seek very simple solutions to one’s misery. To be honest you can only find true happiness between the poor, I say this because they are the only people who have found the method to enjoy life not depending on money unlike the whole world we live in. I walked outside carrying my bag on one shoulder and gripping an ice cold bottle of water in the palm of my hand. Saw a husband, wife and little girl sitting on the edge of the side walk, surrounded by black plastic bags most likely filled with food for their journey. A minute later the husband took out a pack of cigarettes, pulled out a cigarette, placed it in his mouth, curled his hand around it and lit it up at the same time his wife took out a dry round shaped piece of bread, opened it up with her fingers, placed a piece of cheese and a slice of cucumber in it and handed it down to her daughter. I looked at them in envy, smiled and continued to find my way to my bus. Once I reached there I saw this young man standing in front of a luggage filled area, rumor has it that this man loads bags off the ground on to the bus. Which is basically a distance of moving a bag 20 centimeters while doing this he asks for a bribe or “ikramiah” as they call it, looking at him trying to figure out how he managed to get this slightly accepted job and stay in it, he made me laugh. I handed him my bag and put 25 Fils in his hand, he thanked me with a sarcastic smile.
Stepping foot on the bus I smelt a chemical mixture of sweat, pure filtered air conditioning draft and the dust trapped in the seats. Found my seat far in the back and as I sat down more of that dust filled the sky.

Soon enough we are on our way, seeing nothing but sand and a few bad shelters made out of zinc metal I had nothing to entertain me. I sat quiet and motionless until we reached the first border, stepped down on the baking asphalt and stood inline to get a meaningless ink mark symbolizing the patriarchy of the country I’m leaving. I guess it serves as reminder that you are now leaving this miserable piece of land and entering a more depressing piece of the same land. Got back on the bus to drive five more minutes to reach the next border where we stayed there for nine long tolerance testing hours. Waiting to get another useless ink mark slammed on my passport. These hours were the best hours of my journey. The weather made us all feel as if we are in one major sauna, some people gave up and laid down their thin colorful sheets on the sidewalks and slept over them in an attempt to escape the length of this process. Others just kept walking up and down the caged area we were in, some poured water all over themselves and bursted out with all the hidden suppressed energy inside them. I just sat on some steps leaning on a cream painted wall. After a while I started walking, I discovered an area where all the truck drivers have been staying for days. I envied these people also, just seeing them sipping on tea, talking and put on an image that they have all the time in the world yet at the same time knowing that they are living one of the hardest and demeaning life styles out there. In my eyes they were role models.

Finally a yell came from a skeleton shaped officer that it is now our turn. We got our bruising slam on our passports and we were done. The next expedition was another 19 hours, in these hours me and 4 other guys managed to entertain ourselves by mocking the political systems, the current situation of the our hopeless sections of land and watching some old unspeakable quality comedy plays. One person I must mention is a 20 year old graduate of an electrical technician training centre, who managed to find himself a job in another fragment of land. We gave him the nick name “Sab3awi” and I honestly don’t know why we chose that name. Anyway this man had a infinite sense of humor, constantly having something funny to say, specially when the TV would jam and display a green/purple screen. Sometimes he would relate this mis-happening of the screen to the bus company and sometimes he would relate it to the president of the United States. Most of the time a little hit on the side of the TV would do the job. It was impossible for any of us to sleep in these dusty right angle triangular seats, no matter what we did we just couldn’t, so by the next morning five helpless bored, tired guys were dancing and beating every surface around them in hope to find a rhythm. This made us laugh hysterically, until the last drop of energy was squeezed out and slowly we all found our spots to lose ourselves in and pass out.

On the jerk of brake pads pushing hard on the plates, I woke up and nearly fell off the quarter of the seat I was sitting on, I looked around me, I saw my new friends sleeping and the rest of the bus had faces filled with worn-out excitement of reaching their destination. I just didn’t feel anything. Woke my friends up told them we made it! And grabbed my bag and left. I just did what every other human being would do, set up a comfortable environment for themselves when they need it and then when its no longer needed, we simply abandon it and move on looking for another place to find ourselves in.

Here I was opening a door of another Korean made taxi again, telling him where to take me. I got to where I once resided for a few years, opened the door threw my bags on the floor and walked towards the bathroom. The first glimpse of reflection showed just another tired face, in need of a shave and an intense cleaning session. I splashed warm water on my face and put my hands on the sink and rested my body weight on them. Slowly watching drops sliding off my face leaving long brighter shaded lines behind them. Took off my shirt, threw it on the rail of the stair case and sat on the stairs. Soon I was rubbing my face with the inside of my hands and looking for something to satisfy my thirst. In no time I had already faded away in a chain of sleep levels.

Sun rays glittering from between the plastic shades struck my eyes without any warning. It was morning of the next day and I was alone. Wobbling my way to the bathroom, I now was entailed a shower. Rejuvenation and loose numbness took over. I took out a clean pair of jeans and a white under shirt, grabbed the car keys and was on my way out at 8:34 a.m. 2pac kept me in sight and my driving was smooth and steady. Reached a small store got down, left my car engine on, got two packs of non-alcoholic beer, milk, gum and some type of pastry as my official supply for survival. By noon I was standing in front of an old friend’s house waiting to surprise him. Instead I was met with “hey man.. I’m in the living room come in” I walked in to see everybody I ever knew lying down on the ground looking at me in surprise! “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???” apparently they thought I was someone else and they were lying on the ground so they could get the full flow of air from the AC. This group of people was my favorite, even though we NEVER had anything to do, none of us complained as long as we were together then everything was fine. It only felt miserable one a member was missing, and through out the years we lost many friends for different reasons. Some death took them away, some education, some money. We’ve learned to coop with it. We normally spent our days talking, arguing, going to discover places we’ve never been to before, finding new places to eat and playing cards.

Three days after I arrived I was faced with a sad reality, a relative passed away where I was. Looking at the bright side of things, it happened on my birthday. I didn’t mind it because I felt I was chosen for such a test, seeing death on the same day you were born. I didn’t care about my birthday at all, actually I was just trying to understand the lesson being taught to me. And I think I learnt it very well. Did I go through depression or felt bad? No I didn’t. I just went numb, didn’t feel anything. Covering a dead body with sand and seeing the very end of every human being. I couldn’t feel anything. There is no way anybody can feel anything when death comes. It’s the end of all feelings, and you cant put yourself in the dead person’s place; so numbness is what you come out with. After staying three days at my relatives house, making sure all his primary family gets all the care they need I left them on a good note.

However right after I came out of those circumstances I lost it because everybody I know all of a sudden vanished. Two of my friends were grounded, one went away and the other was always busy. So yes I was alone again. Sometimes I think my life is just traveling from one loneliness to another, because somehow I always end up alone. Even if a day before I was partying with 50 different people, the very next day I most likely will be alone. I don’t mind it, I got used it over the years, in fact growing up I was always alone. This is surprising because I have 4 siblings. However the age difference between us is immense, most of my life my siblings were either getting engaged, married or going in and out of schools. Both my parents worked, so eventually at one point I realized it that what I have now will always be better then what I have later.

To Be Continued...